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A lot of people tell me my voice is similar to that of the actor Christopher Walken I don’t believe them And I would prefer it if you did not imagine him reading this to you now   There’s this guy – an old guy – who lives in the house next door to mine Our homes, from the outside, are the same The same windows, the same driveway and the same lawn The same aluminium front door and the same stylish-ten-years-ago uplighting   I’m not sure how long this neighbour – let’s call him Billy Crystal – has lived next door to me I only got to meet him very recently You might think that this would make one of us – myself or Billy – a recluse or a shut-in Well, you would be wrong We just didn’t cross paths In my corner of Richmond, Virginia this is not unusual   The series of events which led to my neighbour and I meeting were as follows It was a Tuesday It was late Let’s say eleven If I can swing it, I like to be in bed by ten as it takes me around two-and-a-half hours to fall asleep I had just got back from shooting a rock and roll concert and needed to take out the trash I opened up my pedal-activated chrome trash-can and lifted out the bag, placing it inside another bag After spraying the inside of the can with disinfectant I looped the inner bag’s handles under the outer-bag’s and secured the whole thing with a knot Tight   At the front of my drive there’s a sort-of-box in which trash is put I was on my way to this box when I noticed I was walking step-for-step in time with another man, also taking out his garbage, over the fence to my left He looked a little like me A bit older and looser I stopped and, feeling chipper, yelled a greeting of ‘Hello neighbour!’   This startled the other guy and he dropped his garbage bag It hit the ground and split open, red chunks of meat and liquid sliding out across