Nothing Old, Nothing, New, Nothing, Borrowed, Nothing Blue

look at your kitchen

look at your kitchen

oh my god

look at your kitchen

it’s delightful

only wait ’til you hear what my husband said

how it’s all very well if all you’ve got to do is look after the kids

i mean

he doesn’t have to get up in the night

i mean

he doesn’t have to get up in the morning

so i get it in early: going from being a full-time event manager with a

social life, a very fulfilling life, to being a full-time mum is a big shift i

spend a lot of time mourning my old life

i mean

i’m very happy i wouldn’t change anything but

it’s hard

it’s difficult

it’s lonely

although i’m doing the most important job in the world

i feel like a sack of shit


it’s fine

i’ve been volunteering

not doing a huge amount

cold calling


cos thats why i had a baby in the first place

to get away from that shit

and then the festival was this weekend

for me, it was work

i was going to enjoy myself

i wouldn’t get too fucked up

and i could go back go to the tent to feed him so

friday night was fine but then

saturday lloyd disappeared

called me 2 hours later like

i’m in luton

what you doing in luton?


he said he was at the airport

there were people laughing in the background

i said: just remember in 2 and a half hours you’ve got to take the baby

an hour later i called again

this time he was in gatwick

what you doing in gatwick?


6.30 comes and the door opens

he’s soaked in alcohol

10 minutes later he’s sleeping

so i do breakfast and i go up at 7.30 to wake him

i-i-i-i think you should get up

and like it’s just so bad

i’m already this kind of person

i thought the transition was going to be harder but i’m settled i guess


guess who i met at the festival

probably one of the most famous people in the world

but it’s the motherfucking principle –

i have to go to the festival with my baby because you’ve been on a fucking

booze binge round London airports

i just felt like such a gooner

really bad

really bad

really really really bad

your responsibility

your child

you’ve known about this for 3 fucking months

i was so angry and he’s such a cunt but this is the problem – we don’t own


but he has been really good since then and i understand

it’s just a shame that it manifests itself like this

but yeah since then he’s been really interactive

with the baby i mean

i really like him i mean

i’m happy i’m fine

i just don’t get to see my friends

what i want is friends who are mums

i’ve got a few people who i see at the moment but there isn’t anyone that’s

like omygodwecanbebestfriends

i haven’t met that person yet

but we do loads of activities

baby shit

but we need to do some real shit

like last night after we made up

it was really nice

it’s so embarrassing

yeah, in front of richie – that’s my terrier

sometimes i swear, it’s really naughty

i mean

i’m very lucky

i’ve got a lovely house

things are lovely

i’m proud

i’m going to join the rotary club

hope to find like-minded people

these people do mountain biking and climbing and a bit of rambling as


and we’re going to go to grey water sports club

we’re gonna take up canoeing

so hopefully that will open things up

and my mum, she comes every day

do you have a car?

my mum’s really helpful but very opinionated

so i told her

you care for you –

let me check

i’ve got some photos

look at thaaat

my favourite pic and it’s crazy

she literally has golden hair

that one’s from the lawyers’ weekend


my mum was so angry but I was like: hell-o-o

your daughter’s joining the rotary club

after the festival my bosses came to dinner and they’re like, this is fucking

great innit?

and we were like yeah welcome to our happy world in maidenhead

how’s it working out for you, your holiday in london?

wait until you’re married

wait until you have kids

it changes your relationship so much

lloyd won’t even put a bowl in the dishwasher

he says he doesn’t have the time but he has time to lie in bed for an hour

so i told him i’m not asking you to do the dishes

i’m asking you to bend over –


is the author of The Hardy Tree (2011) and Gentle Art (2012), both published by Trolley Books. Her third book Merced Es Benz is out on Book Works in November (



January 2012

The Common Sense Cosmos

Ned Beauman


January 2012

Worthwhile philosophy is like building matchstick galleons. When Lewis says that all possible worlds are just as real as...


Issue No. 3

Fifteen Flowers

Federico Falco

TR. Janet Hendrickson


Issue No. 3

To Lilia Lardone Summer was ending. The air already smelled like smoke, but it still looked clear, sunny. The...


Issue No. 5

The White Review No. 5 Editorial

The Editors


Issue No. 5

One of the two editors of The White Review recently committed a faux pas by reacting with undisguised and indeed...


Get our newsletter


* indicates required